Think in terms of all the positive qualities you might expect in an argumentative, multiple-source essay. Does the essay have a precise, restricted, and unified argumentative point of view. Do the paragraphs develop that thesis? Do its arguments support the thesis. Are those arguments developed with analysis and detailed evidence?
Cordially,
Tom Burns
P.S. Have you completed Blog Assignment #7 yet? If not, please do so ASAP. We'll talk about it during the first half of Wednesday's class.
• The first paragraph is too cluttered, and should be more about the thesis, leaving the examples for the following paragraphs.
ReplyDelete• There is really no argument for any of the paragraphs. The author just keeps listing different events that could be linked together, but don’t really have much connection.
• There is no clear thesis and no introduction of conclusion.
• The article has no flow and the transitions are few.
The "introductory" paragraph doesn't do much to grab my attention or really tell me what the rest of the essay is going to be about. I don't see a clear thesis. The use of statistics is very effective, and in some cases shocking, but there is just little organization. And then the essay just ends with no conclusion.
ReplyDeleteI also agree the first paragraph does not prepare you for the later paragraphs. Some transitions are good like the one beginning the second paragraph, but others are weak. Also, the essay is unorganized and the facts are interesting but unsupported with commentary.
ReplyDeleteI found this essay to be very unorganized, with a weak introduction (thesis is unclear) and no conclusion. There are very few transitions present. The evidence presented (like statistics, examples) are effective. I feel the arguments do not support the thesis, because I was unable to identify the thesis clearly. I was not hooked at the beginning of the essay.
ReplyDeleteI don't have much to say that wasn't stated above. Aside from the statistics, there is no actual proof presented, though the writer presents a lot of what he/she thinks is proof. I had a lot of trouble figuring out what his/her thesis was actually saying, and therefore still don't really know if the arguments support it or not. This was simply a pain to read because of the writer's poor effort.
ReplyDeleteI agree with everyone else!! The essay isn't that well put together. The transitions need to be improved and the writer does a poor job of stating the main point of the essay and grabbing the readers attention.
ReplyDeleteI agree with just about everything everyone said above. The details and facts/statistics should be connected to what they are trying to argue. The organization also isn't the greatest. It doesn't flow, and transitions need to be made more clear for the reader.
ReplyDeleteToo much detail in intro paragraph.
ReplyDeleteTraffic protest paragraph out of place.
What is the thesis, not set up for good essay.
Weather paragraph is not good conclusion paragraph. Needs to wrap up. just more random detail.
Bad transitions